Buzz Cuts All Around

Desperation to exorcise demons in Chicago leads to the blowing up of innocent Haitian sporting goods. In Boston, players grow hair like Chia pets.

Johnny Damon, Pedro Martinez and Manny Ramirez are the main offenders, putting the three worst doos together on one club. Man Ram increases the ugliness exponentially by removing and replacing his cap constantly during a game.

Wade Boggs ate chicken before each game and supervised the maintenance of his girlfriend’s underwear, or lack thereof. So one Boston Hall of Famer benefited from a little deviation. Fowl and undies, fine. It doesn’t follow that there’s a correlation between baseball success and big hair.

How many championships did Oscar Gamble win, exactly?

Like that tried and untrue superstition of silent-treatmenting a pitcher during a no-hitter; it doesn't work!! How many 7th, 8th and 9th inning breakups do you need to comprehend? Talk to the damn guy. Take a haircut already…

This Yankees parasite epidemic sounds like an episode of Star Trek. With Kevin Brown especially, can’t you just see Mr. Spock suggesting that it’s the player who’s invading the organism’s nervous system; not the other way around?

Also in the episode, Bones seeks an explanation for the gravitational pull of something once known as “pinstripes,” which turn even the most ardent me-first humanoids like Gary Sheffield into selfless, the-needs-of-the-many followers of a charismatic leader, who in this show looks a bit like Derek Jeter…

Lookalikes: Saddam Hussein and Cheers character Nick Tortelli…

Bartolo Colon, meet Mark Davis…

Don’t you love this thing called “the commissioner’s office,” which makes up All-Star rosters badly each summer? It’s as if a desk, a bookcase and a couple chairs get together to compare notes.

Let’s be thankful Paul Lo Duca missed making the NL squad this year. The three days off will do him good. He wasn’t going to get it any other way.

Yes, Milton Bradley and Rasheed Wallace make for an obvious comparison. Let’s hope it doesn’t take Bradley ten years to get that the world is not against him.

Most umpires know the difference between “bleep” and “bleep you,” and keep players in games accordingly. But Jim Tracy needs to rethink BS like this: “That first time, Milton wasn’t wrong. Go back and look at the location of the pitch.” Uh, hello? Defending your players is admirable, but don’t use Gary Barnett as a model.

Argue balls and strikes and you’re automatically tossed. Bradley can best help his team by letting Tracy take the ejection for him.

And is it really a surprise that Tommy Lasorda can do more in five minutes with Shawn Green than his actual manager can in half a season?

Add Bob Brenly’s name to the list of candidates for the L.A. job, especially if it’s occupied till winter.

Guilty parties in the handling of Hideo Nomo include physician, general manager, manager, and pitching coach, but not necessarily in that order…

Contrary to common wisdom, “renting” a player for a stretch run is a good thing.

It doesn’t have to be Randy Johnson, Kris Benson or nothing. The Dodgers can either choose from Livan Hernandez, Steve Traschel, Jamie Moyer and Shawn Estes, or watch everyone else. Ted Lilly and Russ Ortiz might be more costly, but are also getable.

Prediction: Frisco outbids the Dodgers to reacquire Hernandez.

From one of my female minions, fresh back from the stadium and hoping to impress: “Bonds hit a home run and that Gigne kid, what an arm…”

Statue for Sandy: BaseballSavvy.com and sports sculptor Malcolm DeMille (www.mdemille.com) are honored to sponsor an e-petition to encourage the Dodgers to commission a statue of Sandy Koufax for placement at Dodger Stadium next season.

If you haven’t voted yet, please scroll down to the photo below, and do your thing. Oh, what the hay, vote again if you like. Vote counting isn’t an exact science. No one really knows how it works…

Remember, glove conquers all….