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Off Base
G.M. Savant

July 4, 2005

In Paul DePodesta, we ain’t got us no Phi Beta Kappa. We just ain’t.

In fact, the only room in which Paul DePodesta is the smartest guy in the room is a room in which he’s the only guy. A bathroom stall comes to mind. And if you think it’s wrong to pile on a guy when he’s down, then you can just go right ahead and bite me.

DePodesta’s 2005 season ranks as the worst performance by a general manager in Los Angeles Dodgers history. And that’s saying a ton, people. A ton. Nothing by Fred Claire, Kevin Malone or Dan Evans can even compare. DePodesta has single-handedly ruined the Dodgers season.

DePo’s inadequacies stem from a combination of misapplied baseball theory, indecisiveness to the point of paralysis, and unbelievably inept player evaluations. Bad luck comes in a very distant fourth place.

This business we keep hearing about needing “willing trade partners” is total crap. There are always things you can do. The calendar imposes challenges, not roadblocks.

Jose Valentin should have been replaced in May, and wasn’t qualified for the job in the first place. Placido Polanco would have been perfect, and is kicking ass in Detroit. Joe Randa is still out there, and is a real third baseman hitting .300. What more can you possibly ask for?

In five seconds you can fix third base, move Antonio Perez to second, where rumor has it he can actually field a ground ball, and move Jeff Kent to first. Infield solved. In another five minutes you can have a capable veteran outfielder join the club and patch up the outfield for the time being.

Take five more minutes to grab a veteran bench man and the club is good enough to play in the west. I don’t care what it costs. I will gladly pay 50 cents more for an uncooked hot dog. So will my friends in five counties, including Orange.

Hee Seop Choi should never have been considered as a replacement for Shawn Green for a second, and really shouldn’t be employed here at any price. Jason Grabowski has zero major league ability. Zilch. Mike Edwards is a nice little hitter, but the man has never met a fly ball he couldn’t dive for and not catch.

How a personnel man can watch these guys play baseball for a week, let alone rely on them for important jobs, and actually want them on his club is just mind boggling. Yet here they are Los Angeles Dodgers. Los Angeles Dodgers!

Yes, this latest injury to J.D. Drew is unfortunate, but it wouldn’t have created nearly the damage to his club had DePodesta filled vacancies at first base and third base months ago, or better yet, never created them at all.

And when it comes right down to it, DePodesta was content to go to war with three injury-prone outfielders. It doesn’t matter when or how they got hurt; only that they got hurt.

Jim Tracy’s not off the hook either. The bunt alone oughta get him arrested. Trace is less the criminal mind than his boss, but they’re right up there one, two, as un-indicted co-conspirators. What do you say we double our pleasure with Doublemint gum, and get the likes of them off the street at the All-Star break? There is precedent, after all.

What’s going on with the team’s medical staff is a mystery as well, but their performance fits in with everything that’s gone on this year. It’s as if they’re guessing about the injuries, never really knowing what’s wrong with a player or how to schedule a return.

I swear, if I hear the phrase “being sent back to Kerlan-Jobe for re-examination” one more time, so help me. Sources say these guys will be replaced after the season, and not a minute too soon…

BTW : Pitchers and catchers report February 18…

1962 Mets : The ’05 Dodgers aren’t close to the ’62 Mets in lameness. It just seems that way. Remember what they used to say about Marvelous Marv Throneberry: “If he could get to it, he could drop it.”

Investors Wanted: Spend a thimble full of venture capital today, earn major league minimum tomorrow...

Midseason Awards :

NL MVP: Derrick Lee.

AL MVP: Brian Roberts.

NL CY: Dontrelle Willis.

AL CY: Ray Halliday.

NL and AL ROYs: You tell me.

NL Manager: Frank Robinson.

AL Manager: Ozzie Guillen.

NL Executive: Jim Bowden.

AL Executive: Bill Stoneman.

Angels? Don’t care…

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Statue for Sandy : The Koufax in bronze campaign continues, so please scroll down to the photo below and vote yes on 32…

Remember, glove conquers all….


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