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Off Base
Revenge of the Nerds

July 8, 2005

Also known as “The Kelly Wunsch Show.”

Enough with the “Dodgers are snake-bit” BS. The guy looks like he’s gonna topple over just standing there, and did so essentially because he’s a lefty. Dorky, nerdy, lefty.

And let’s get real here. Dorky, nerdy and lefty just generally belong in the same sentence.

Pretty much goes without saying. Except, if that’s the case, what good is this column? Never mind. Don’t answer that.

But c’mon. Close your eyes for ten seconds. If you’re driving, make it five seconds. Think back to the fifth grade. Last kid to get picked, including the girls, for every sport known to man. Think now. He’s a lefty, right? Dweeby, retarded lefty.

Now, conjure those images of high school. I know, you’d rather not, but please. Same kid, only the acne is more pronounced, and he’s got an astigmatism. Causes him to stretch for a baseball that’s not really there, missing the actual one by three feet.

You thought you could hide him at first base, and since he was tall and left-handed, you figured, yeah, first base. But that was before you learned of his astigmatism. In fact, that’s where you first learned the word, astigmatism.

OK, now geniuses, think back to Harvard. You remember, Harvard. Ivy covered walls, lots of smart people. No, not Wrigley, I said smart people. C’mon, dork mates of Paul DePodesta; I mean, dorm mates of Paul DePodesta. Tell me Paul DePodesta isn’t a left-hander.

Now that we’ve established that lefties are retarded, can we agree that Kelly Wunsch’s getting hurt walking into a baseball game was just plain Kelly Wunsch being a retarded lefty. The man slipped on a piece of dirt the size of a pinhead. Emphasis on the word, pinhead.

It’s perfect, really, when you think about it. I mean, Todd Helton’s a lefty too. Reasonably coordinated and manly for a southpaw, but a southpaw none the less. Could’ve just as easily been Helton slipping on a piece of dirt the size of a pinhead.

Fine, so the Dodgers are snake-bit…

Hey, did you see this? T.J. Simers has arranged to trade places with Frank McCourt for a day. Man, I am so down with that. T.J. gets the queso grande’s job, while I take DePodesta’s gig for a day. Simers job description allows him to do anything McCourt might do…except fire me.

Since I’ve got a ton of work to do cleaning up the mess left by my predecessor, I’m making it a long day. In at 10; out by 2.

That’s plenty of time to hand out merit badges to the Dodgers rookies worth a bleep; D.J. Houlton, Jason Repko and Oscar Robles. More than enough time to send Hee Seop Choi anywhere he wants to go, as long as it’s not a major league city. Tampa Bay perhaps. Or San Francisco.

Ample time to add several million bucks to the payroll, as promised, and make a genuine effort to field an actual club.

Matt Lawton? Total no-brainer. Straight to right field. Joe Randa or Aubrey Huff; whoever comes first or alphabetically, I don’t bleeping care. Go to third base, go directly to third base, do not trip over Kelly Wunsch, collect $2 million.

Next, Antonio Perez to second base for the duration. Lots of ground balls. Lots of ground balls. Jeff Kent to first base for the duration. Gratitude and platitudes for the K-man.

Next, a veteran relief pitcher, not necessarily a closer, someone who gets his blisters on the right hand. If at all possible, the guy with the lowest ERA and the highest salary. No excuses for anything, just this once. Not on my watch.

1:55 p.m. My work is done. Team fixed, everyone happy, except for a sobbing southpaw, dropped by an out of place blade of grass…

Nice apology from Kenny Rogers, huh? Way to go, left-hander!! Of course, now you need to throw another press conference to apologize for using the word “irregardless” in a sentence for no apparent reason…

Angels? Don’t care…

Statue for Wunsch : Saves us the cost of installation. We just lay the thing out horizontally in the bullpen, a little bronze gauze around the ankle…

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Investors Wanted : Invest a thimble full of venture capital today, make major league minimum tomorrow…

Statue for Sandy : The Koufax in bronze campaign continues, so please scroll down to the photo below and vote yes on 32…

Memo to Mr. Koufax : I hope I wasn’t outta line with that crack about lefties being retarded. Present company excluded, of course…

Remember, glove conquers all….


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