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  . . Off Base

"The Giants don't win the pennant! The Giants don't win the pennant! The
Giants don't win the pennant!"

Back in the day, say, 1982, when I was a bright-eyed talk producer at KMPC, there'd be a dilemma every time a guest would stiff us, canceling at the last minute. Regis did it once. How to fill the air-time?

"Well, there's always the obligatory gun control debate," someone would say, "and we haven't done abortion this month."

"How 'bout earthquake preparedness with Kate Hutton?"

"Nah, boring. Call her when there's an actual temblor."

"Uh, 'temblor'?"

"Oh, I know, it's a slow news day, let's go start a brush fire. A Golden Mike, for sure."

"Nah, that's criminal."

"Oh, sorry."

Inevitably, we'd spend the time taking the same old calls, maybe throw in a trivia question or two, make fun of Scott St. James for a segment, and end the show on a high note. What a babe St. James' producer was. Colleen Andrews, I think her name was. I wonder what she looks like now.

But I digress.

Sometimes I have difficulty coming up with a lead for Off Base. No, it's not writer's block! Don't even think it, much less say it aloud.

Messing with writer's block is like getting too close to the dreaded "I" word. You know, in the bedroom. You don't want to let the thought creep anywhere near your head, for fear of, well, you know. Ask Rafael Palmeiro, or his mentor, Bob Dole.

But back to my tangent.

I mean, how many times can I rag on the San Francisco Giants, Barry Bonds, Brian Sabean, the San Diego Padres, Kevin Towers or Bubba Trammell?

Sure it's an L.A. site, and it's September, and the Padres are experiencing one of those, 10 out of every 11 seasons of lameness, and the Dodgers will find a way to beat out the Giants for the wild card, or Barry Bonds will lose another playoff series with a whimper instead of a bang, either way providing satisfaction or solace, one or the other.

Hey, it's my site, I work for peanuts, sometimes Cracker Jack, I'll do what I want.

Oh, did you see the note about the Dodgers refusing to change a game time to accommodate the Giants? Hysterical. Dodger management handled it with customary style and class, adding just enough pinache to piss off whining Frisco. Derrick Hall is great.

Last season, when the Giants tried to celebrate the 50 year anniversary of Bobby Thomson's you-know-what, L.A. was a little more blunt, telling NoCal where to go. Less subtle, but still great.

The Giants went ahead and celebrated this year, since after all, a 51st year thing has that shiny ring to it, holding their little throw-back game. While San Francisco showed up in the old duds, the Dodgers played in their regular road grays. Classic. Maybe not as cool as in 1993, when that idiot Matt Williams questioned the manhood of Orel Hershiser and the Dodger squad after being eliminated at the Ravine, but pretty damn close...

Prediction: Yankees out in the first round...

Prediction: Atlanta out in the first round, with Kevin Millwood their only winner...

I still can't believe I'm older than Julio Franco...

Angels? Look, Anaheim is a good team. I just don't care. And this Jarrod Washburn mess isn't helping. Insufficient evidence or whatever, it's a serious blemish on Washburn's season, it's completely unacceptable, and it will come up in the post season plenty...

Tim Allen is a "five-tool" player...

There's still time to invest in BaseballSavvy.com before it's through the roof. Shoot, the BS merchandising is worth major league minimum all by itself...nearly. Investment inquires are more than welcome...

Remember, glove conquers all....

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