July 27, 2004

TJ Simers is a Big Fat Idiot

Everyone in agreement please say “I.” There you go; the “I’s” have it, and a damn fine scientific study at that. TJ Simers is a big fat idiot.

Sure, I nominated Teej for the Hall of Fame in this space last year, mostly in deference to his bad-natured jabs at the Fox administration. But Rupert Murdoch has been deposed (I heard they found him bearded and cowering a in spider-hole), the Dodgers have a real shot, and not even a hint of a grin out of TJ Simers.

And though I removed a thorn from his paw that one time, TJ still ignores me. Now the gloves come off.

Let me just say what you’ve all been thinking but were either too nice or too afraid to say. TJ Simers is a thoroughly talented, year-round Scrooge of a man, who needs to be scolded silly, and it’s my civic duty to oblige. No thank yous necessary; just send money.

The mental health professionals I’ve polled say Simers needs intensive therapy, three times a week for at least a year. Couch optional. But I don’t know, I think he’s faking.

We’ll give him the benefit of the doubt for like, a minute. Say it’s a disease instead of a weakness. In extreme cases like these, I’m told most HMOs will pay. With all the lawsuits these days, they pretty much have to. If Simers were to completely blow, what with the warning signs and cries for help, it’s a no-brainer for a jury.

But even with such compelling evidence, no shrink worth his salt substitute will make a diagnosis without a clear and present patient. TJ must come in for testing. This is America, where columnists are free to demean the best, the brightest, and their fair share of utility infielders with initials for first names.

Maybe TJ is clean. A little plastic cup and a microscope works for me. Perhaps there’s no neurosis in his family history, and perhaps TJ will prove to be devoid of any physiological symptoms whatsoever.

Maybe TJ Simers is really a happy-go-lucky guy, calling it like he sees it, and we’re all just a little too sensitive. Or maybe he’s just a big fat idiot.

Howard Cole